I'm going to jail i love you
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
