Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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