My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
