I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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