capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
