turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
