Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i think i have two assholes
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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