she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Drunk is not a location!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
