My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
