Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
