she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
