my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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