Someone shit on the floor
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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