I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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