my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
