things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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