Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
