sarcasm needs its own font
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
