you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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