What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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