Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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