Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
