Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
