this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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