as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
