We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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