he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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