So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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