yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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