and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
