Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
