if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
