Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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