woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
