My room smells like vodka and shame
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
