Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
