WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
