I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
