so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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