Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Randomize
