Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
