i just sent this text using only my big toe
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
