I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
