It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
