I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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