can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
