I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
