No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
