I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just cropdusted the office
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
