Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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