Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
